(Most of this was written in the very wee hours of the morning, while rocking/nursing my baby who just won't sleep easily.)
I'm not really a terrible mom, but a few circumstances have coincided and I feel like the ultimate failure.
I should be able to take care of two kids, especially when one goes to daycare most of the day. But the nights have been hard. Little Gwendolyn has a tooth coming through, but she also misses her dad. When she sees him, she snuggles in and goes to sleep fairly easily. When she sees me, she sees MILK and that's exciting, and why on earth would anyone want to go to sleep rather than constantly nursing on mommy.
I started some anti-depressant medication about a week ago. It has started to help me a bit; for a few months, I had been feeling like the world was composed of shadows, gloom, and unceasing sadness. That wasn't such a good feeling.
But the medication also makes me tired. The first few days were bad, but it's getting better. However, I still just feel like my brain is heavy and foggy. I've been trying to press through it, but it's hard. I can't stop the medication because I was going down a very bad PPD pathway, but I don't have the luxury of sleep to help my body adjust.
My husband is out of town, at a conference. He's too important to modify his schedule. His is (mostly) our only income, too so I shouldn't complain. But I do, because I'm tired and beat-down. He didn't even use up all of his paternal leave or all of his vacation days this calendar year. Because he's too busy.
He's excellent at his job. He's excellent with the kids. He has tried hard to help me. I just want more.
My 3-year-old hasn't been too bad. He's gone to sleep without many issues. He has woken up at 3 or 4 am and come into my room, but will go back to sleep without too many issues.
The baby is cutting teeth, and I imagine that it's hard being seven months old. Especially with a terrible mom who tries to feed her and play with her and rock her but is sometimes just too tired to do much more than put the Jurassic Park Theme on the computer and cry while she rolls a ball with her infant and prays that the baby will take a long enough nap that I can grade and write and sleep. The nights have been the worst--awake for hours at a time.
I'm not really a bad mom, but I am struggling.
You are not a bad mom AT ALL and never think you are. You are so loving with your children. I could not ask for Latham and Gwendolyn to have more than they have in you! We all have our challenges and for some reason tend to be most critical of ourselves than anyone is (or at least I am that way). I wish so much I was closer and could help you out. Exhaustion is the pits and I guarantee there is no time in your entire life when you will be as tired as you are now. Hang in there. Love you!
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not a bad mom. This is a very tough season of life for you right now. You are the center of your little people's universes and sometimes that can be a heavy burden to carry, especially when you feel like you are on your own. I like thinking of these times as "seasons" because it reminds me that this is not a forever feeling and there will be a new season one day in the future. Everything feels so much harder when you are tired and there doesn't seem to be any hope of rest in the future. You are a good mom.
ReplyDeleteCathy, you are a wonderful mom. We have all been there, I think. At least I definitely have. Just keep swimming. And if you ever need to talk, or a visitor to help babysit, I'm only a message away!
ReplyDeleteYou're not a bad mom and you're not alone. I'm in the same exact boat as you- an almost 4 yr old boy and a 10 mo old girl, remember? My husband works long hours at a stressful job so I need to help him destress when he's home too. And I'm working full time. It's so extremely hard with two kids. It's no joke. And the babies not sleeping at night because of teething, or Whatever!, is the worst part. Everything in life is a million times harder when we're lacking sleep.
ReplyDeleteYou're a great Mom because you recognize you need help and got medicine to help with that. You're a great Mom because you feel guilty you're not doing enough- but you are! Not every day can be a picture perfect play date with the kids.
It's annoys me to no end that people aren't honest at how devastating and life-changing going from one kid to 2 is. We feel like we're the only ones crying our eyes out while the toddler is showing his independence (aka-trantrum!) and the baby won't stop clawing at you to be held. So you know, I'm right there crying with you many days. Message me when you need to vent and feel not alone. I'm here.
-Marie