Tuscaloosa Twister

On the afternoon/evening of Wednesday, April 27th, Adam and I were sitting on our couch in Virginia, watching tv and checking facebook. The royal wedding was in two days; the semester was wrapping up--I was pretty content with life. We had heard that Tuscaloosa was experiencing bad weather because all of our friends kept posting things all day about the weird weather. We have a lot of friends in Tuscaloosa because we both went to grad school and, well, grad school tends to take awhile. You meet a lot of friends and you're happy that they're still at Bryant-Denny Stadium to cheer on the Tide on GameDay and that they're still working on their degrees. Tuscaloosa is a great little town too; a little sleepy, not too wild, but with fantastic, loving people who make the town a true Southern comfort.

Some of our friends posted earlier in the day that students and professors alike were wondering when/if the UA higher-ups would cancel class. It takes a LOT to cancel classes....as it rightfully should. People go to college for an education, not to duck out because of the possibility of a storm. After all, you can't just not show up to work because it's raining! But, that day, Mother Nature would be violent. And it's darn scary that such a violent storm can't be seen until it's happening in real-time. There is certainly more in heav'n and earth than can be seen in all our meteorology.

Around 4 p.m., it got serious. Facebook statuses warned everyone in Tuscaloosa to find safety. I kept checking the news and, as the evening progressed, people logged on to Facebook and Twitter to let everyone know they were okay. Various news sources reported that a huge tornado had gone through town, but there weren't many details. Most of my friends had logged into say that they were safe and to express concern because they could see/hear the tornado and knew it was bad. The whole destruction and death count wouldn't be known for several days. I am so grateful for Facebook and e-mail; it allowed me to know, in real-time, that friends were okay. We had also been checking with Adam's family to be sure that they were safe; no tornadoes were near them--thank goodness!

I was concerned about my friends, but heard from most of them quickly. Then I started to worry about the town. On Thursday, the photos and videos of the tornado/destruction started popping up on my newsfeed and in the larger media world. I knew this was a massive problem when I opened up my home page (BBC News) and saw it it as the main story. This was a big freaking deal. I watched videos, read stories, shared my fears with Adam all day--and taught my last classes of the semester, gave a tour at the Arboretum, and organized a tree planting for Friday. Even though I knew people were struggling in dear Tuscaloosa, life still needed to happen as normal for my students, my tour groups, my co-workers. I couldn't ask any of them to let me be sad; jobs still needed to be done.

It's an oddly pragmatic and pathetic feeling to be hundreds of miles away when a huge disaster has hit. I wanted to help in some distinct way, but I had to work at my jobs here in Harrisonburg. One of my sharpest memories was from my office hours. One student was leaving for boot camp before finals week, so he needed to take the final exam on Thursday. I was watching this video (careful: it's terrifying) at my desk and had my student taking his exam a few cubicles over, at an empty cubicle. I knew that he couldn't hear my video, but I also knew that he could come over to ask me a question at any time. So I watched this video, wanting to cry, wanting to breath normally, but nothing was normal. I was hundreds of miles away from a disaster, proctoring an exam like a responsible college instructor; my thoughts and feelings were as twisted as a tornado. Fear, fury, confusion warred with normalcy. I wondered whether I should/could do more or if I should/could just lead my regular life. I still don't know if I made the right decision.

Around noon on Thursday, after I started hearing death/destruction statistics (but being thankful that all my friends were safe!), a new fear/confusion sliced into my perspective. From the accounts I read, it sounded like the tornado had been exceedingly violent where I lived while I (and Oliver, my sweet dog) was in Tuscaloosa. Several days later, a few Google maps confirmed that my last apartment (where I lived from August 2008-March 2010) was entirely destroyed. Not just a ripped-off roof or light storm damage....but just piles of bricks, like a war zone, like a massacre.

On Thursday, I kept lapsing into daymares (which, at night, turned into nightmares). What would have happened if Oliver and I had been at that apartment? What would have happened if I was at school and just Oliver had been at home? How would I have protected Oliver? These daymares and nightmares often left me tearing up (or sobbing) and shaky. I kept hugging Oliver (he didn't seem to mind). To my chagrin, I even wrapped a towel around Oliver, tied it to myself and got into the guest room bathroom for a tornado drill. Oliver was surprisingly quite good; what a trooper he is to put up with me.

I woke up around 3 am on Friday and had a revelation. I was worrying about what would have happened to myself because I was scared of what had happened. And I was feeling guilt for something that I shouldn't feel guilty about. An acquaintance of mine, in a fit of frustration, had written that people needed to stop sending prayers and money, and needed to actually do something for Tuscaloosa. I think I took that sentiment too hard because I did feel guilty that I couldn't leave and go help. So I told myself that I would send prayers and cheer and money to Tuscaloosa. And I would physically help later in the spring/summer if my jobs allowed me to do so. But I wouldn't beat myself up and I would enjoy life without feeling guilt, while keeping up with Tuscaloosa news.

I woke up again at 5 am and watched the Royal Wedding. I know people may think it silly, but it cheered me, reminded me of my own wedding (though mine may have cost just a bit less...and had a few less people watching it), and was, weirdly, the bit of normal that I craved. I'm still following the rebuilding of Tuscaloosa and I'm so happy that President Obama visited, that media outlets gave the destruction some news space (though more could be useful!!), and that my friends and fellow Tuscaloosians are working hard to help people, clean, and rebuild.

Please consider donating to the effort to help Tuscaloosa (and other affected areas). I always like the Red Cross but there are a lot of possibilities out there. Roll Tide!