Friday, March 20, 2015

Hitched for five years

I told Adam this morning that, sometimes, I'm surprised anyone has wanted to put up with me for five whole years. It's not that I think I'm a bad person, but I find myself sort of exhausting sometimes. I worry about things a lot; I overanalyze almost everything; I'm brutally honest (especially with myself). I don't love myself as much as I should. And I'm working on that.

However, Adam did marry me. And he does still love me. And we have an amazing son who loves and kisses and hugs me everyday (and calls me a princess too)! And we have a daughter on the way who will, I'm sure, challenge and surprise and please me in ways that I can't even imagine. And I'm lucky that their love teaches me that I AM worthy of love.
I know that most of my anniversary posts (years 1, 2, and 3) have been bubbly and joyful, and that this one may seem a little bit more restrained and reflective. But I think that's okay. I'm happy that I'm reflecting on five years; it allows me to appreciate the anniversary and also to contemplate how I want to progress during the next five years. I'd like to be a bit more self-confident (in regards to my self-worth and profession) within five years. I'm going to be trying something new for my professional life this fall, and I'm nervous and excited for the change. I now know the full toll that a newborn can take on me and I'm going to more proactive in seeking out help when I feel overwhelmed. But, most of all, I'm going to just believe my husband when he says he loves me instead of questioning why he would want to love me. So, hopefully, I can make some inroads on self-improvement.

Wow, for a blog post ostensibly celebrating my marriage, this does seem self-absorbed. It's all first-person in that previous paragraph. But, I (oops, first person again!) think that makes sense. I'm pretty darned pleased with my husband; he has certainly changed a bit from our wedding day (he's become the most amazing father, for instance) but his values, confidence, and contentment have remained the same. His job has certainly evolved, and he's taken that change in stride, excelling at his new role while remaining the consummate "family man." I want him to keep changing as he sees fit, but I completely trust that his evolution will only bring us closer. I want to be evolving as a person too and taking an introspective look at myself is a controlled, clear way to start to incorporate that change. I know that our relationship will only be strengthened.

So that's my philosophical bent for the day. We've had 5 years and 1.9 kids (can't wait to make it the full 2.0). It was a sunny, warm, clear day when we married. Even though it's chilly and wet and kind of gross outside right now, I know that we've weathered worse storms. And I'm so happy for the memories, but even more excited about the future! Happy 5 years, Adam!